Nightmares
Almost every night i have nightmares, the only difference between one night and the next is the degree of the nightmare itself. Wake up screaming or just wake up in a cold sweat and thanking god it isnt real.
Although i do have ones that are like a hell of sorts, full of death, torture and death. To me the worst kinds are the ones that involve my Fiance.
How twisted my mind is!
Its normal for me to have at least one nightmare a week that involves us separating. The feeling it leaves me with is unspeakable. Its like having no lungs, unable to breathe and as if that isnt bad enough as if everything youre sure of in life dissolves and youre free falling, the only certainty you have is that you will hit those sharp rocks at the bottom.
But you wont die.
The nightmares begun sometime after i was diagnosed with Major Depression. A short while before the diagnosis we had been on the verge of breaking up.
Something that left me disorientated and unsure for a long time. Even now i cannot put my trust in the future and the fear of being left alone paralyses me if i let it creep up on me.
How twisted my mind is!
Its normal for me to have at least one nightmare a week that involves us separating. The feeling it leaves me with is unspeakable. Its like having no lungs, unable to breathe and as if that isnt bad enough as if everything youre sure of in life dissolves and youre free falling, the only certainty you have is that you will hit those sharp rocks at the bottom.
But you wont die.
The nightmares begun sometime after i was diagnosed with Major Depression. A short while before the diagnosis we had been on the verge of breaking up.
Something that left me disorientated and unsure for a long time. Even now i cannot put my trust in the future and the fear of being left alone paralyses me if i let it creep up on me.
I hated sleeping for a time, and still do. For some reason nights are the hardest, i can sleep almost peacefully through the day, but nights are another story. I usually try my hardest to push sleep off for as long as i can, watch anime or movies at ridiculous times. I know that i do need some rest however, to properly care for my daughter so i force myself to bed when i hit the - Ill have 4/5 hours sleep - mark, close my eyes and wait for my own personal hell to begin.
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