When the prospect of a holiday with my fiance and my baby came up, the picturesque ideas that popped into my head certainly didn't include his uncle lurking around, dragging us around sightseeing.
Please don't misunderstand, i appreciate the gesture, but i can think of about a million things id rather do than spend half my holiday with smalltalk, awkward conversation and trying not to notice the fact that this man is talking to my chest.
Gross.
Not to mention my fiance doesn't understand why I'm upset at all, he thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't think its too much to ask for time together alone, god knows our relationship needs it.
The romantic thoughts i had dreamed up replaced by small talk with the uncle and being dragged around from place to place by a man who doesn't understand small children too well. (Oh god the tantrums)
I guess if we want a decent holiday we'll have to save up and do it all ourselves.
Sigh.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
SNAP
So last week, around Wednesday night or so. After another night of waking up screaming, unable to go back to sleep and laying in bed wondering if i wanted to fall asleep again or not. I finally decided enough was enough.
The weekend before, My fiance had suggested that i find some kind of faith. That i needed something, anything to believe in. Being a atheist was driving me crazy... literally.
In the past i had been extremely religious. Not entirely sure how or why... but i lost that faith and became extremely cynical and bitter. So i jumped out of bed and decided it was time to at revisit religion.
At the very least it would be a interesting experience right? I love documentaries and history so if nothing it'd just be something id enjoy researching. I jumped online and typed CHURCH WATSONIA MELBOURNE into google after deciding i didn't know if a church was a business or not so white or yellow pages?? To hard, just use google i thought. Luckily for me, it worked out pretty well and a list of churches near me popped up.
I immediately remembered things my mum had told me about specific churches, how kings had altered the way things were to suit themselves and how some didn't believe in certain aspects, so i picked the one with the least offense name. One that was simple, and didn't seem to have some kind of twisted background.
Simply the church of Jesus Christ. http://www.livingfaithchurch.org.au/index.html
That works right?
So after i looked through the website, i felt id picked the right place to pick up where i left off again, but i still felt... intrusive, so i emailed the contact with a basic outline of who i was and why i wanted to be a part of this church, if only for a while.
Well a couple days passed and after watching my email like a hawk i didn't get a reply. Trying not to be discouraged, and trying not to think id been rejected i decided id go and attend a service of worship anyway.
My worries seemed to build up like a huge wall, i was mostly excited but the nervous part of me nagged away. What if i had to introduce myself? What if it was far too modern and i didn't enjoy it? What if the people were cold and spiteful? What if i was supposed to speak to someone before i just showed up?
The moment i walked into the worship room, almost all my worries just fell away. It was beautiful. The roof was slanted so that the back of the room where the speakers were there was simply one stained triangle glass work of Jesus ( i suppose ) and it made a gorgeous stage. The seats were original pews made of wood with cushions on them so you wouldn't get a numb butt. It wasn't just a semi circle of plastic school chairs that id been dreading.
The people, well. The people were possibly the friendliest people id met .... well ever. And they all knew each other by first name, even though there was easily 100 or so people.
Funnily enough, the service seemed to suit my first time and even address issues id had, Such as being too concerned about what a church was like, based on its interior and exterior. About being a part of a church community and not just attending alone and leaving alone. Part was on anger, which i have struggled with my entire life, as it turns out even Jesus has been angry and thrown fits ( EPIC ONES AT THAT) and about taking what we gain from church and living that all week, not just on Sundays, appreciating life itself everyday.
After the service the older couple next to me introduced themselves and i signed a guest book, i met more older people, who were all thrilled to see me and a woman did profess shed love to come and visit me. Which, shocked me a little and on reflection I'm sure it showed in my face.
Although it was wonderful to meet such amazing people i opted to avoid the morning tea, awkward conversations and small talk aren't my forte. And after making my way out of a happy bustling self introducing crowd i walked outside into some beautiful sunshine when it had been stormy and raining when id entered.
And for the first time in months....years. I felt at peace.
Although i walk in the valley in the shadow of death... i finally understood that phrase, and i knew its truth.
My fear, my gripping twisting crippling holding fear of death finally lost its grip on me.
A part of me returned.
Today was a little harder. Id fallen into my usual trap of letting my toddler run my day, and had let the house get messed up and not continued my cleanup -
( who knew 1 man and a 2 year old could make so much mess?!) - Id just gotten Lilly down for her lap at around 1, i was barely dressed and looked repulsive and the house well... when my doorbell rang. Thinking it was most likely the post man but in the back of my mind hoping it wasn't the lady from church i answered the door coughing and hugging my dressing gown to me.
A usual reaction when people come calling and i just haven't gotten a grip on my day.
To my absolute horror, it wasn't the woman from church.... it was the Pastor. The head guy, the...the..
URGH.
I had things piled up near the door and the gardens hadn't been weeded ( Anyone know a gardener who ISNT retarded?! )
The worst part was how kind he was, I'll pray for you he says... Like i wasn't in enough trouble for lying to a priest as it was, now he was gunna report to the head guy and lie to him through me... what a great start to my religious endeavors.
So of course he wishes me the best and hopes to see me well again soon. A flush of relief that he didn't ask to come inside washes through me, followed by the worst guilt Ive ever felt in my life.
Now Ive been known for a fantastic...twister of the truth ( ha ha ) all my life. And ill be the first to admit, Ive almost never felt guilty for doing so. But this...was so unbearable. I threw myself on the couch and simply wallowed in it, i didn't know if i wanted to cry or not and my chest felt like it was going to explode.
I don't get very many social calls, my close family are miles away. Some of my best friends are hours away, some even states apart. This man...no this important head of a community i never thought i could possibly be part of went out of his way to see me and thank ME?
After a few minutes of self hatred, sighing i went and pulled some decent clothes on, and picked up where id left off with the housework after a quick prayer, clearly one is needed to ask forgiveness if you just lied to a priest.
And it had done its job, shortly after i asked the big guy to forgive me for being a hideous person i felt calmer, calm enough to pick up a broom and get to work.
Starting with the front room, where I'm sure he'd seen the crap piled up, i pulled the curtain back to sweep up and a tiny white thing caught my eye.
A moth? Poor thing, its trapped....no hang on its dead?
But as i picked it up gently by the wing and inspected it i saw it was absolutely perfect. Not a tear of the wings which were as smooth as silk, and white, pure white with a tiny black dot on the bottom of each wing, two perfect bug eyes, antenna only slightly bent all its little legs pulled up close to its body even the perfect little ruff of hair on his back.
I'm no expert on signs or miracles and i don't think ill ever find a Mary or Jesus in a candy bar but i thought it was a pretty special thing and it made me forget every bad feeling i had as i gently placed it in one of my jewelery draws.
Maybe this religion thing will work out after all.
...Meanwhile this site is being a ass and wont let me post any fucking pictures, so im sorry for the lack of break up and boring wall of text.
The weekend before, My fiance had suggested that i find some kind of faith. That i needed something, anything to believe in. Being a atheist was driving me crazy... literally.
In the past i had been extremely religious. Not entirely sure how or why... but i lost that faith and became extremely cynical and bitter. So i jumped out of bed and decided it was time to at revisit religion.
At the very least it would be a interesting experience right? I love documentaries and history so if nothing it'd just be something id enjoy researching. I jumped online and typed CHURCH WATSONIA MELBOURNE into google after deciding i didn't know if a church was a business or not so white or yellow pages?? To hard, just use google i thought. Luckily for me, it worked out pretty well and a list of churches near me popped up.
I immediately remembered things my mum had told me about specific churches, how kings had altered the way things were to suit themselves and how some didn't believe in certain aspects, so i picked the one with the least offense name. One that was simple, and didn't seem to have some kind of twisted background.
Simply the church of Jesus Christ. http://www.livingfaithchurch.org.au/index.html
That works right?
So after i looked through the website, i felt id picked the right place to pick up where i left off again, but i still felt... intrusive, so i emailed the contact with a basic outline of who i was and why i wanted to be a part of this church, if only for a while.
Well a couple days passed and after watching my email like a hawk i didn't get a reply. Trying not to be discouraged, and trying not to think id been rejected i decided id go and attend a service of worship anyway.
My worries seemed to build up like a huge wall, i was mostly excited but the nervous part of me nagged away. What if i had to introduce myself? What if it was far too modern and i didn't enjoy it? What if the people were cold and spiteful? What if i was supposed to speak to someone before i just showed up?
The moment i walked into the worship room, almost all my worries just fell away. It was beautiful. The roof was slanted so that the back of the room where the speakers were there was simply one stained triangle glass work of Jesus ( i suppose ) and it made a gorgeous stage. The seats were original pews made of wood with cushions on them so you wouldn't get a numb butt. It wasn't just a semi circle of plastic school chairs that id been dreading.
The people, well. The people were possibly the friendliest people id met .... well ever. And they all knew each other by first name, even though there was easily 100 or so people.
Funnily enough, the service seemed to suit my first time and even address issues id had, Such as being too concerned about what a church was like, based on its interior and exterior. About being a part of a church community and not just attending alone and leaving alone. Part was on anger, which i have struggled with my entire life, as it turns out even Jesus has been angry and thrown fits ( EPIC ONES AT THAT) and about taking what we gain from church and living that all week, not just on Sundays, appreciating life itself everyday.
After the service the older couple next to me introduced themselves and i signed a guest book, i met more older people, who were all thrilled to see me and a woman did profess shed love to come and visit me. Which, shocked me a little and on reflection I'm sure it showed in my face.
Although it was wonderful to meet such amazing people i opted to avoid the morning tea, awkward conversations and small talk aren't my forte. And after making my way out of a happy bustling self introducing crowd i walked outside into some beautiful sunshine when it had been stormy and raining when id entered.
And for the first time in months....years. I felt at peace.
Although i walk in the valley in the shadow of death... i finally understood that phrase, and i knew its truth.
My fear, my gripping twisting crippling holding fear of death finally lost its grip on me.
A part of me returned.
Today was a little harder. Id fallen into my usual trap of letting my toddler run my day, and had let the house get messed up and not continued my cleanup -
( who knew 1 man and a 2 year old could make so much mess?!) - Id just gotten Lilly down for her lap at around 1, i was barely dressed and looked repulsive and the house well... when my doorbell rang. Thinking it was most likely the post man but in the back of my mind hoping it wasn't the lady from church i answered the door coughing and hugging my dressing gown to me.
A usual reaction when people come calling and i just haven't gotten a grip on my day.
To my absolute horror, it wasn't the woman from church.... it was the Pastor. The head guy, the...the..
URGH.
I had things piled up near the door and the gardens hadn't been weeded ( Anyone know a gardener who ISNT retarded?! )
The worst part was how kind he was, I'll pray for you he says... Like i wasn't in enough trouble for lying to a priest as it was, now he was gunna report to the head guy and lie to him through me... what a great start to my religious endeavors.
So of course he wishes me the best and hopes to see me well again soon. A flush of relief that he didn't ask to come inside washes through me, followed by the worst guilt Ive ever felt in my life.
Now Ive been known for a fantastic...twister of the truth ( ha ha ) all my life. And ill be the first to admit, Ive almost never felt guilty for doing so. But this...was so unbearable. I threw myself on the couch and simply wallowed in it, i didn't know if i wanted to cry or not and my chest felt like it was going to explode.
I don't get very many social calls, my close family are miles away. Some of my best friends are hours away, some even states apart. This man...no this important head of a community i never thought i could possibly be part of went out of his way to see me and thank ME?
After a few minutes of self hatred, sighing i went and pulled some decent clothes on, and picked up where id left off with the housework after a quick prayer, clearly one is needed to ask forgiveness if you just lied to a priest.
And it had done its job, shortly after i asked the big guy to forgive me for being a hideous person i felt calmer, calm enough to pick up a broom and get to work.
Starting with the front room, where I'm sure he'd seen the crap piled up, i pulled the curtain back to sweep up and a tiny white thing caught my eye.
A moth? Poor thing, its trapped....no hang on its dead?
But as i picked it up gently by the wing and inspected it i saw it was absolutely perfect. Not a tear of the wings which were as smooth as silk, and white, pure white with a tiny black dot on the bottom of each wing, two perfect bug eyes, antenna only slightly bent all its little legs pulled up close to its body even the perfect little ruff of hair on his back.
I'm no expert on signs or miracles and i don't think ill ever find a Mary or Jesus in a candy bar but i thought it was a pretty special thing and it made me forget every bad feeling i had as i gently placed it in one of my jewelery draws.
Maybe this religion thing will work out after all.
...Meanwhile this site is being a ass and wont let me post any fucking pictures, so im sorry for the lack of break up and boring wall of text.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Lets play operation!!
SO we finally got the letter not long ago. My surgery will be on the 23rd of this month... Urgh, i would be lying if i said i wasn't shitting myself.
If i could stay awake for it? Sure no problem! But general anesthetic? Fuck it, i hate sleeping enough as it is.
What am i having... ?
Its called a "Hysteroscopy" Basically they jam a big old camera up my vagina, and then document what they see, Im also having whats refereed to as a "Curate" which means they scrape off the walls of my Uterus.
All pretty medicore stuff as far as things ive been through go. But a forced sleep? Thats by far my WORST nightmare.
When i sleep normally i dream of a blackness lately, where i dont feel hear or see anything, just black like death and then i gasp and wake up screaming trying to escape it.
So what happens when i have this dream while im under and i cant wake up?
WONT THAT BE FUN
Last night i tried to stay in this blackness so i knew what i was up for, i last about half a minute before i woke up tearing at my face and hair. So its safe to say im not looking forward to it.
If i could stay awake for it? Sure no problem! But general anesthetic? Fuck it, i hate sleeping enough as it is.
What am i having... ?
Its called a "Hysteroscopy" Basically they jam a big old camera up my vagina, and then document what they see, Im also having whats refereed to as a "Curate" which means they scrape off the walls of my Uterus.
All pretty medicore stuff as far as things ive been through go. But a forced sleep? Thats by far my WORST nightmare.
When i sleep normally i dream of a blackness lately, where i dont feel hear or see anything, just black like death and then i gasp and wake up screaming trying to escape it.
So what happens when i have this dream while im under and i cant wake up?
WONT THAT BE FUN
Last night i tried to stay in this blackness so i knew what i was up for, i last about half a minute before i woke up tearing at my face and hair. So its safe to say im not looking forward to it.
Friday, March 6, 2009
PARTY TIEM
Parties are such a pain to host.
Dont get me wrong, its fun once they re in swing and i usually dont regret throwing them. But the planning... and the cleaning! OH GOD THE CLEANING.
We have a fairly small house too, and a lot of friends... so its always overcrowded, especially when we have a party where over half of our buddies are staying the night.
Dont get me wrong, its fun once they re in swing and i usually dont regret throwing them. But the planning... and the cleaning! OH GOD THE CLEANING.
We have a fairly small house too, and a lot of friends... so its always overcrowded, especially when we have a party where over half of our buddies are staying the night.
My kids second birthday was a tight fit, and we only had about 12 people in the house at one time... maybe a couple more. But yeah, even though we have 2 couches 4 armchairs and a dining room... ( tiny! argh! ) its not really enough. Fiance tells me the max we'll be having is 20 people... 20! FUUUUUCK! And he promised a free breakfast!
Dont get me wrong, i adore showing off my cooking, im more concerned about COST. Ew... not to mention...where are these people gunna sleep?! We have hardwood floors, so itl be a uncomfortable sleepover thats for sure, unless i figure something out..... I was pondering on buying some big old cushions from Spotlight or something... How painful.
Dont get me wrong, i adore showing off my cooking, im more concerned about COST. Ew... not to mention...where are these people gunna sleep?! We have hardwood floors, so itl be a uncomfortable sleepover thats for sure, unless i figure something out..... I was pondering on buying some big old cushions from Spotlight or something... How painful.
Then again, we'll all be drunk as fuck, so i doubt were gunna care where we sleep...
The other issue is my self confidence. Ever since i got sick i haven't felt like myself, and until im a fitness freak again i doubt ill feel myself for a while. Its embarrassing for me for friends to see me ill like this even though they couldn't care less. How shallow hahaha.
Oh well - BRB WASHING THE WALLS - ( lolwut )
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