Holiday Cont.

Im more or less putting dates and places here for myself to remember.... Sad sad Brain. =P

April 4th - 11th
Mount Beauty

Holiday!

So much emo in one blog, i have to try and at least aim for one positive entry. Can't stand those blogs that prattle on and on and on about how terrible life is, so i figured hey - it wont be overly exciting but it'll be positive.

So as the title suggests we'll be going on Holiday sometime soon. March i believe, Ive always been terrible with remembering details...
Its essentially a free holiday. All were paying for is fuel and our own supplies and entertainment. My fiances Uncle is the owner of the cabin/house/flat we'll be staying in. Its somewhere in the Mountains, i remember that much (shocking!!)
You'll have to forgive me somewhat, our uncle is somewhat of a real estate baron and buys and re buys property often enough for my already fuzzy memory to lose track.

I dont believe there will be any snow at this time of year, which is a real shame since ive never seen snow in my life, but hey im not gunna look a gift horse in the mouth - and im sure itl be beautiful no matter what the season.
Itl be our first family vacation, Bubs is finally at that age where shel be trouble... but not too much trouble. As long as we keep up some semblance of a routine when it comes to bedtime, im sure shel do just fine.

Im really looking forward to the time with my Fiance, although we spend every night together, he is always exhausted and im run down from a day with tantys and cleanups. So we usually retreat to our laptops and just zone out, leaving the cuddles and such for bedtime. Im sure wel both appreciate the quality time together.
Im going to buy myself a alarm clock before we leave, just a cheapo small thing. Because of my medication, im always drowsy and ive never been about willpower, so its hard for me to stay awake during the day and even harder to wake myself up in the mornings.
I sure dont wanna sleep away my holiday!!

Im not entirely sure what im going to do about the dog...
Wel be gone for a week, and shes so attached to us, and love sick for our daughter. She mothers her and follows her anywhere she goes. Im reluctant to place her in a dog kennel for a week, shes the type of dog who needs constant love and attention or she pines and wont eat or drink, worse yet will try and run off and find us.
And of course she gets carsick, so taking her with us is out of the question, besides the fact we dont even know if dogs are allowed - i would hazard a guess that they aren't anyway.
So thats something ill have to start sorting out now i suppose.

(Here I am) Stuck in the middle (With you)

Everyone whos ever been in a relationship knows how hard it is when your partner dosent like one of your close friends. Its awkward and you have to organize your social life around it, making sure they dont have to be around each other. To try and please your partner, while not upsetting the friend.

To have to double check everything you say around your friend, "Dont poison the well." Is a saying i picked up somewhere, the complete saying being,
"You cant poison the well, and then ask them to drink from it."

Its even harder when its common knowledge that said friend has more than friendly feelings for you. What is the right thing to do then?
Just end the friendship? Try and curb their feelings?
I will not lie, and it has been put to me countless times. If the situation was reversed i wouldnt tolerate such a poisonous friendship to exist. Does this mean the right thing to do is to weed this friendship from our lives? And yet...

To do it would be painful. Although the friendship is difficult, although in some ways it is abnormal, to throw it aside would be like severing a limb. For in some of my darkest times that is just what it has been, something to lean into to learn to walk again. A lung to breathe again. The laughter that shattered the maddening silence in my head.

Its painful to watch my Fiance suffer through my inability to end my this friendship. To consider ending it is equally as painful.
It was my hope to pacify the jealousy on either end, but no matter how hard i try, everyone is hurt.
I had hoped time would heal all wounds, maybe i need more time?
But how much can i ask of these two people? Whom i love, but in drastically different ways. The one who i want to share myself with, be one with, the one who is my balance, my rock, who made me a mother and made me feel love again. Who i feel a part of, who is so different from me, but we piece together so perfectly all the same.
And the one who is like my other self, who shares my interests and humor. Who is always there to listen and to talk endlessly about the most ridiculous topics. Who makes me feel young again, who is a undeniably fantastic Friend and one of the best i have.

How can i willingly hurt two such people?
But how do i save them both?

I have no answers.

Nightmares

Nightmares

Almost every night i have nightmares, the only difference between one night and the next is the degree of the nightmare itself. Wake up screaming or just wake up in a cold sweat and thanking god it isnt real.

Although i do have ones that are like a hell of sorts, full of death, torture and death. To me the worst kinds are the ones that involve my Fiance.
How twisted my mind is!
Its normal for me to have at least one nightmare a week that involves us separating. The feeling it leaves me with is unspeakable. Its like having no lungs, unable to breathe and as if that isnt bad enough as if everything youre sure of in life dissolves and youre free falling, the only certainty you have is that you will hit those sharp rocks at the bottom.
But you wont die.

The nightmares begun sometime after i was diagnosed with Major Depression. A short while before the diagnosis we had been on the verge of breaking up.
Something that left me disorientated and unsure for a long time. Even now i cannot put my trust in the future and the fear of being left alone paralyses me if i let it creep up on me.

I hated sleeping for a time, and still do. For some reason nights are the hardest, i can sleep almost peacefully through the day, but nights are another story. I usually try my hardest to push sleep off for as long as i can, watch anime or movies at ridiculous times. I know that i do need some rest however, to properly care for my daughter so i force myself to bed when i hit the - Ill have 4/5 hours sleep - mark, close my eyes and wait for my own personal hell to begin.

THE FIRST POST OF INSANITY

Hey there internets.

Hows it going....uh huh...ok.... Yeah alright thanks for that. Why am i here? I dunno, why are you here? Why are my friends here? Guess we're all attention whores... or maybe this is therapudic. Theraeoudi..c... hmmm theres probably a spell checker on this thing, but that'd take out the personality i guess.

THATS RIGHT, I CANT SPELL.

Bet you feel better about yourself already. What can i say, theres not much to me but then again a whole lot more than there needs to be. Would you like to know?
Well youre gunna know anyway so lets get started.
I like to pick my nose, im lazy, but im a great cook. Maybe i flick my nose candy in the food for extra flavour? Bet your mouth is watering now.

Sicko.

I like to draw, im not great, but im not terrible either. Thats where i always seem to be, caught in the middle of two extremes.
I dont do very much of anything, im pretty lazy i suppose, countered by short spurts of random spurs of action.
I can sit around for a week and do nothing and the next week will be the busiest of my life. I dont plan things, plans are a pathway to disappointment and let downs, i would rather drift through life.
Im a drifter for sure. Im into almost everything i can be into, music movies, animations - try not to be sucked into any one genre of anything, life is far to interesting for that and i hate to be labeled.

As you can guess from my title, i have one child, one husband (Rather, Fiance but thats another story) and a dog.
Its not much, and its nothing new, but its a dream for most and acceptable for me, and of course, such is human nature - I WANT MORE -
Be it wealth, health, child or pet. My expectations from my significant other or even from friends, always wanting more.

I bet youre just pissing your pants with excitement.

So, my daughter is currently Two. I am 23, young mum, but once again not too young, not too old.
Theres that fucking middle ground again!!

But my kid, well. What can i say. Shes a real angel. Smart and full of energy... Yeah i dont know who she gets it from either.
Nothing makes her happier than running around aimlessly laughing herself silly until she falls over into my arms.
Adorable right? Damn right.

So who fathered this little ray of sunshine, well there you go. Right there. The man who my life revolves slowly around, if Shes my sun, i suppose hes my earth.
I dont know much about love, what it is or what its supposed to be, but when you feel as if someone is simply a extension of yourself. Nothing can make you more comfortable, and thats love enough for me.
Not that im saying i dont love him either! I always have, and always will...

I suppose that only leaves us with the dog...

Well what can i say, shes a dog.
Although im pretty sure she was a human in her past life.
And a lesbian.
Yeah, my dog is a major dyke, nothing gets her tail wagging harder than a new vagina to shove her face into when one comes to call.

But thats ok.
She's a sweet fuzzball, no matter what she likes.

As far as introductions go. Thats probably one of the longest and most boring, but hey, didnt i tell you that from the beginning?

:)